Hey Asshole... I Got It Good!

Hi there, you fuckin' asshole.

I been thinking about my life.

I been thinking how I drink so much and take so much of my smokable back medicine, and eat all them pills.

I been thinking about how I wave my sack and weiner at the old bitch down the street.

I been thinking about how I'm probably eating the only bigfoot ever to be gunned down, and I ain't tellin' nobody about it but you, asshole.

I been thinking how stupid I get sometimes, like when I pulled out the roof of my mouth, and now I'm bleedin'.

I been thinking about this dog carcass, and how it would still fetch a ball ifn I hadn't a shot it.

I've been looking at these giant squirrels or gerbils or whateverthefuck's they are here now that I haven't slept for three days, I'm drinkin' Steel Reserve, and smokin' up all of my back medicine. That dog's startin' to smell ripe. Least he don't shit the house no more, but that don't make it smell better.

Yeah, asshole, I been thinking about my life. Thinking about how I use a kitty litter box instead of a toilet. How I ain't got no woman in my house that I'm married to so's I can call her what she is... a bitch! No love, nowhere.

I ain't never had no fancy food.

I don't drive no car.

I live in a trailer in the woods and just talk to this here family of giant gerbils and pull my rifle out when the girl scouts come snoopin' around with their cookies and puttin' Government juice into my toilet when I'm sleeping. I know what them little bitches are up to. Don't you worry about that.

And I come to this here conclusion, and it's a statement of fact!
HEY ASSHOLE! I GOT IT GOOD!

Only thing messing up my nice life here is it's looking like the next President is gonna' be black. But there is an upside. That leaves Sarah Palin the option of doing that Hustler spread I've been waiting for and when I get that issue, I'm gonna spooge all over her purty face.

I may shit on it too, if she's into it.


-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole! I Wrecked my Mouth!

Hey Asshole! Remember I was tellin' you about the tooth growing out of the center of my mouth roof? Well I got good and drunk on Turkey so I wouldn't get infected and to try and kill all the pain I was gonna' make for myself.

Then I got some pointy pliers to yank out that tooth that wasn't supposed to grow there. Turns out it weren't no tooth. Doctor told me it was a freak thing where my mouth roof (he calls it a hard palate) had got to growin' through my skin there and I ended up pullin' out some of the top of my mouth and a little bit of the insides there. Doc said I ripped out most of my (inferior nasal concha).

I said, "Doc, if it's inferior, can't you put in a new one?"

So I guess that's what they're gonna' try and do. Anyhow, I got my mouth sowed up and glued. When I talk, blood comes out and I see myself in the mirror and it looks like this horror movie I seen once, and I laugh and more blood comes out, and I can't stop laughin' and bleedin.

So that's where it's at, asshole. Check with your Doc before you go yanking on stuff you don't know what it is. That's the learnin' I got from this deal.


-- Wacky Macky