Hey Asshole! I Made Me a Health Club!

Hey Asshole! I'm a fat fucking blob.

No wonder no whores will fuck me. Bitches!

If I was a whore, not even for money would I fuck my own damn self.

Not as fat a blob as I am, and asshole, I'm a fat fucking blob.

So I gone and made myself a health club right here in the trailer.

And that's smart, because since I made it and it's mine, I don't have to pay no fee to use it. Only down side is there's no sweaty ladies running on treadmills with their boobs flopping up and down. I sure do like it when their boobs do that.

On the other hand, I can use the money I'm saving to get me a UFO. That's the idea here. I figure in about a year or so, I should have enough money saved up for the construction plans. You can get them plans offn the Internet. I use the Internet machine at the library when I don't smell too bad. Don't know where to get an anti-gravity wave amplifier though, but I'll figure that one out when I get to it.

So first thing I made was a push-up machine. I use the floor for that. You just get down there and do push-ups on the floor, and there's that machine done. I can get two good ones and one bad one so far. My chest is gonna' be a steel barrier. You'll see, asshole.

Then for pull-ups (that's the opposite of a push up), I hammered a bar up in the door frame. I got one good pull-up and the fucking thing broke. I can't tell you enough how much I hate termites wrecking my health club.

I may try the other door frame over there after the pain in my arms gets to quittin. And Jesus on two sticks, I can't tell you enough how much it hurts to do exersizes like push-ups and pull-ups when yore hand is broke. I'm gonna' give the pain I got in my hand right now about a nine or ten. One thing for sure, you're not supposed to bleed on a push-up, and that's a lot of what I'm seeing right here.

Then I got the sit-ups. I bent the back of a chair so it leans further back than it's supposed to. Now what I do is I get on there and crunch my stomach and that's my sit-up. I can get about four sit-ups. That's not the opposite of a push-up, but it's a little to the side of it.

Opposide. That's a funny word. I just made that word up. I'm gonna' use it. That's a smart word I made. Opposide.

Finally, I got my treadmill. What I do is I start walking in the puddle of shit that used to be my dog. My feet slip and slid in that goo to where I'm walking but I'm not going anywhere. That's a good dog! I'm glad I didn't throw it out.

Shouldn't be too long now before I'm built up good and strong. Then I can get me some whores that'll have sex with me. And when I get them whores, I'm gonna' get their boobies to flop around the way I like it. Then it'll be a real health club and I can get my UFO and get the fuck out of here.

That's the plan so far.


-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole! I Been Thinking for About Two Minutes Here...

Okay,

America spoke.

I gotta' go with my country, even though they called black.

So how do I get with it? Here's ol' Wacky Macky's guide to how to be right with the country when we got a black in the White House.

Wacky Macky's Guide to Fittin' In in the New America!:

#1. Gotta' drop my pants below the waist. That's an easy one. I do that anyway so people can see my crack.

#2. Got to get some crack. Covered that in #1.

#3. Need to fix up my lingo. There's things to say proper now that the President's gonna' be black. Here's some phrases to help out:

a. Lemmie hold a dime. (Don't say borrow, say hold. That's the black way.)

b. I'm zizzle with the zazzle, mofo. (Learnt that off'n television.)

c. Sup. (That means, hi there, how you doing?)

l. Homie, you need to chill, bitch. (Say that when someone's trying to fight.)

r. Blingo. (That's fancy for lingo.)


I gotta say I'm gonna miss Sarah Palin. We could have shot road kill together. I could have shared my Possum recipe. She could have hunkered down on my pecker on occasion. I coulda shit in her hair. I'm a fucking wack job, you know. I'll shit in a girl's hair, not a problem. I mean, if she's into it and all. I'm not gonna tell you I'll shit in a girl's hair if she's against it. That's just fucking wrong.

And McCain? Well what can I say? He sure fucked up his chances electing Sarah Palin. He looked like her grandfather, and now that's just sick to think about. Who wants to see them two fuckin? If she had a baby by McCain, I'd name it Putty, to match with them other names she gave her kids. What was it? Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow... fucking hippie if you ask me. I hate hippies. They smell like patchouli and underarms. So it would be Track, Trigger, Bristol, Willow, and McCain's baby, Putty. Putty Palin. I like how that sounds.

Anyway, good luck President Obama. I didn't vote for you but I'll stand behind you, just the way we whites always stood behind blacks in our nation's most trying times... and I'm talking times of war when the enemy was shooting at us. Y'all made good cover.


-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole! Here's What I Think About Stuff.

Hi there, Asshole.

How's yer asshole?

Sometime ol Wacky Macky gets to thinking about stuff, and I tell it on here so you get you some wisdom in yer noggin. I've been around enough to know stuff and here's what I think about it. If you don't agree with Wacky Macky, yer an asshole. Ain't that right, poppa gerbil? He says yes it's right. Four days now with no sleep. I think you die shortly after that.


Ol Wacky Macky's Stuff List of Wisdom


Water: Plenty of it. No cause for concern. Can not go into outer space.

Dogs as Pets: Don't kill 'em. They ain't no fun after that and what are you gonna do then? Nothing but smell a rotting dog cause I'm too lazy to throw that fucker outta here.

Women: She'd get the dog outta here and cook for me and slurp on my fun part. That's what they're good for. If only God would fix all women's mouthes the way mine are, they'd stop talking so much when you're going in the back way. You know what I'm talking about here.

Fags: Don't want 'em in my house, mouth, or back door. Nothing that pees goes in my mouth except for my pee, 'cause you could drink that if for some reason there weren't no water, and there's plenty of water, so I do. No parts in my mouth that pee. I'm sticking to good old American pussy.

Teeth: If you got one in the middle of your mouth roof, don't pull that somabitch outta' there. You're in for a world of hurt.

Guns: My God given right! I can legally shoot any body from the Government coming in to my house trying to steal my smokable back medicine. Get off my land! That's a promise.

Glue Sniffin: All for it!

Drinking of All Kinds: Anything with a little alcohol in it, I figure it's medicine to keep me from going off the deep end and taking my gun here and going into the world to kill every fucking living breathing thing out there that ticks me off, startin' with midgets. I hate those little fuckers.


So now you learn you something from what I done wrote above, and you'll be a better man no matter what the fuck you are.



Ooo! Lookie here! Them giant gerbils are fucking each other. I'm gonna' get a piece of this.


-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole... I Got It Good!

Hi there, you fuckin' asshole.

I been thinking about my life.

I been thinking how I drink so much and take so much of my smokable back medicine, and eat all them pills.

I been thinking about how I wave my sack and weiner at the old bitch down the street.

I been thinking about how I'm probably eating the only bigfoot ever to be gunned down, and I ain't tellin' nobody about it but you, asshole.

I been thinking how stupid I get sometimes, like when I pulled out the roof of my mouth, and now I'm bleedin'.

I been thinking about this dog carcass, and how it would still fetch a ball ifn I hadn't a shot it.

I've been looking at these giant squirrels or gerbils or whateverthefuck's they are here now that I haven't slept for three days, I'm drinkin' Steel Reserve, and smokin' up all of my back medicine. That dog's startin' to smell ripe. Least he don't shit the house no more, but that don't make it smell better.

Yeah, asshole, I been thinking about my life. Thinking about how I use a kitty litter box instead of a toilet. How I ain't got no woman in my house that I'm married to so's I can call her what she is... a bitch! No love, nowhere.

I ain't never had no fancy food.

I don't drive no car.

I live in a trailer in the woods and just talk to this here family of giant gerbils and pull my rifle out when the girl scouts come snoopin' around with their cookies and puttin' Government juice into my toilet when I'm sleeping. I know what them little bitches are up to. Don't you worry about that.

And I come to this here conclusion, and it's a statement of fact!
HEY ASSHOLE! I GOT IT GOOD!

Only thing messing up my nice life here is it's looking like the next President is gonna' be black. But there is an upside. That leaves Sarah Palin the option of doing that Hustler spread I've been waiting for and when I get that issue, I'm gonna spooge all over her purty face.

I may shit on it too, if she's into it.


-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole! Something's Going On with my Mouth!

Hey Asshole!

I was rooting around in my mouth this morning and there's a tooth growing from the center of my mouth roof.

Right in the middle there. What the fuck is that?

I don't think a tooth is supposed to go there.

Now I'm wonderin' if I need to pull it outta' there with the pliers, or will it make it easier to chew and so I keep it? This here problem is gonna' have me working on it all day.

I'll let you know if I pull it out or not, asshole.



-- Wacky Macky


P.S. I got my laundry done and the dog pissed on it. Now I gotta' do it all over again. I shot that dog.

Hey Asshole! I'm Healthy!

Hey Asshole!

I was sitting her thinking about how I never get sick, unless I'm puking beer. No colds, no flu, no warts and fungus. And then I come across this article here that tells the truth. And I knew it all along 'cause I've been doing it every day since I can remember. And what I'm talking about is picking the boogers out of my nose and eating 'em.

So I'm reading how this doctor says I'm right! I was right all along. Didn't need no doctor to tell me so. Hey Asshole! You hear me? I put my finger up in there, root around for a ripe one, pull that sucker out and eat.

No colds, no flu, no warts and fungus.

Never go to the doctor or the hospital, 'cause that's where the sick people go.

I ain't sick! I'm eating boogers!


-- Wacky Macky



P.S.

Hey Asshole! Here's what I read on my machine. You'd be wise to eat yorn too!


--------------------------------------------


Doctor Backs Picking Your Nose And Eating It


Picking your nose and eating it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor.

Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthy, happier and probably better in tune with their bodies.

He says society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking and encourage children to take it up.

Dr Bischinger said: "With the finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner.

"And eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system.

"Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine.

"Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free. "

He pointed out that children happily pick their noses, yet by the time they have become adults they have stopped under pressure from a society that has branded it disgusting and anti social.
He said: "I would recommend a new approach where children are encouraged to pick their nose. It is a completely natural response and medically a good idea as well."

And he pointed out that if anyone was really worried about what their neighbour was thinking, they could still enjoy picking their nose in private if they still wanted to get the benefits it offered.

Hey Asshole, I've Been Drinking Steel Reserve...

Hey Asshole,

I been drinking about all day so I'm guessing I may only make sense to myself right now over here. But I got to put down what I'm thinkin' when I get to drinkin'.

And here's what I'm thinkin'. I watch a lot of Star Trek. And I'm thinkin' Sarah Palin looks just like Captain Janaway with her hair all up in a bun like that. And it ain't a stretch to picture Mr. Tuvok, the Vulcan, looking like Obama.

You know what? I say fuck it. Let's get 'em together and have 'em run the space ship. She could say, "Fire, Mr. Tuvok," and he could press the red button and nuke all the sombitches that are fucking with the USA! Weeeeehoooo the fuck WEEE! That's the way. Why not. They had a Chinese Jap on the first Trek with that gay Sulu what the fuck's his name anyway. Now he's working for Howard Stern. Liberal commie prick jew.

So then McCain, 'cause he's older than the dirt in my drawers, he could be like Captain Kirk from the first bunch of Star Treks, and he could kick that fag Sulu outta there. Gotta' throw out Uhura too 'cause she's too dark to work the radio. Kick her off, and then we got something there.

I tell ya', Steel Reserve makes me want to put us all together for a common cause and kill them people that ain't like us with a nuklar bomb from our space ship with Commander McCain, Captain Palin, and Janitor Obama, who'll have to come in after we get done and clean up our mess.


-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole, Stop Yer Yammerin!

Hey Asshole,

I had to drink a whole bottle of Turkey just to get through the Democrapatic convention without throwin up my liver. Not my pickled liver, mind you. I'm talking about the liver I ate from the Racoon I shot with my car by running over it. Tasted like trash, but you are what you eat.

Which brings me to my point. There's Billary Cliton up there yammerin' away, and I'm just picturing Bubba Bill up there as his eyes get misty, 'cause he's thinking how good that blow job was when he was shoving that cigar in the younger prettier girl with the dirty blue dress.

Now Billary don't care 'cause she's part dyke, but she's old dyke. I mean her face is going Michael Jackson and she ain't had no surgery that I read about in the Enquirer, the only place for the truth. And she's saying her man's Obama? He ain't sucking no Bubba stick.

Now McCain may have a big jaw on one side that looks like he's sucking one too, but that girl in the blue dress, where's her book at? She coulda made a hundred dollars on that. Shit! No, really. I shit myself. That's what's happening here, and this Turkey's making me crazy enough to eat more of that possum liver. Stupid dead thing got ran over in my car. That's how I shot it.

Don't fuck with me. I'll get your brain and fix it so it works my way.


-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole! Spics Got No Right To Make Fun of Japs!

Hey Asshole,

I seen this here picture where these Spanish athletes and their women sperm banks are pullin' their eyes with their fingers to make fun of the Chinese Japs over there. Well if I never seen something so dumb.

Hey, Asshole! If you're a spic, how are you going to make fun of a Chinese Jap like that? You people can't even speka-de-English.

You're lucky I got Polacks in my family tree, which is what makes it justified what I'm tryin' to tell you here. Bottom line: Learn English and stop trying to make Chinese Jap eyes when you got no right.

Good God, the President's gonna' be black, and the only reason I can rightly make fun of him in all fairness is because I'm part dumb Polack. But make no mistake, asshole. I'm all redneck queer. Watch your daughters. I'm getting drunk and eating some pills I found in my old pants.


-- Wacky Macky

Chinese Olympics...

Hey Asshole,

I been hearing about pollution in China, and our boys over there are wearing masks.

So the Chinese are saying, "That ain't no pollution, that's mist evaporating."

I call bullshit! I think it's Chinese smog, just like it looks like it is.

They got spies over there picking up info from the cell phones and computers.

They got Asian hookers trying to get our athletes in bed and get their information.

What are they gonna' say? "Sure, lady. I'll tell you everything about the Pentagon?"

Hell no. Maybe he'll say to her, "I'll give you some steroids if you trade me some octopus."

They eat bird nests in soup over there.

Shoulda had the olympics in America, where they came from.

I ain't watching!

Fuck 'em where they breed.

I got me some beer news, by the way. Schlitz is coming back.

Whoopee freakin' doo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


-- Wacky Macky


P.S. Where can I get me one of them Chinese hookers online?

Hey Asshole!

Hey asshole.

This here is Wacky Macky.

In my America, there's right and wrong.

If you ain't right, you're wrong.

Get off my land!

I'll tell you the truth and if you don't like it, you can go eat a fart, commie!

I'll get my beer and start telling it like it is.

Strap on your 3-way safety belt. It's gonna be a bumpy ride!