Hey Asshole! I Made Me a Health Club!

Hey Asshole! I'm a fat fucking blob.

No wonder no whores will fuck me. Bitches!

If I was a whore, not even for money would I fuck my own damn self.

Not as fat a blob as I am, and asshole, I'm a fat fucking blob.

So I gone and made myself a health club right here in the trailer.

And that's smart, because since I made it and it's mine, I don't have to pay no fee to use it. Only down side is there's no sweaty ladies running on treadmills with their boobs flopping up and down. I sure do like it when their boobs do that.

On the other hand, I can use the money I'm saving to get me a UFO. That's the idea here. I figure in about a year or so, I should have enough money saved up for the construction plans. You can get them plans offn the Internet. I use the Internet machine at the library when I don't smell too bad. Don't know where to get an anti-gravity wave amplifier though, but I'll figure that one out when I get to it.

So first thing I made was a push-up machine. I use the floor for that. You just get down there and do push-ups on the floor, and there's that machine done. I can get two good ones and one bad one so far. My chest is gonna' be a steel barrier. You'll see, asshole.

Then for pull-ups (that's the opposite of a push up), I hammered a bar up in the door frame. I got one good pull-up and the fucking thing broke. I can't tell you enough how much I hate termites wrecking my health club.

I may try the other door frame over there after the pain in my arms gets to quittin. And Jesus on two sticks, I can't tell you enough how much it hurts to do exersizes like push-ups and pull-ups when yore hand is broke. I'm gonna' give the pain I got in my hand right now about a nine or ten. One thing for sure, you're not supposed to bleed on a push-up, and that's a lot of what I'm seeing right here.

Then I got the sit-ups. I bent the back of a chair so it leans further back than it's supposed to. Now what I do is I get on there and crunch my stomach and that's my sit-up. I can get about four sit-ups. That's not the opposite of a push-up, but it's a little to the side of it.

Opposide. That's a funny word. I just made that word up. I'm gonna' use it. That's a smart word I made. Opposide.

Finally, I got my treadmill. What I do is I start walking in the puddle of shit that used to be my dog. My feet slip and slid in that goo to where I'm walking but I'm not going anywhere. That's a good dog! I'm glad I didn't throw it out.

Shouldn't be too long now before I'm built up good and strong. Then I can get me some whores that'll have sex with me. And when I get them whores, I'm gonna' get their boobies to flop around the way I like it. Then it'll be a real health club and I can get my UFO and get the fuck out of here.

That's the plan so far.


-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole! Spics Got No Right To Make Fun of Japs!

Hey Asshole,

I seen this here picture where these Spanish athletes and their women sperm banks are pullin' their eyes with their fingers to make fun of the Chinese Japs over there. Well if I never seen something so dumb.

Hey, Asshole! If you're a spic, how are you going to make fun of a Chinese Jap like that? You people can't even speka-de-English.

You're lucky I got Polacks in my family tree, which is what makes it justified what I'm tryin' to tell you here. Bottom line: Learn English and stop trying to make Chinese Jap eyes when you got no right.

Good God, the President's gonna' be black, and the only reason I can rightly make fun of him in all fairness is because I'm part dumb Polack. But make no mistake, asshole. I'm all redneck queer. Watch your daughters. I'm getting drunk and eating some pills I found in my old pants.


-- Wacky Macky

Chinese Olympics...

Hey Asshole,

I been hearing about pollution in China, and our boys over there are wearing masks.

So the Chinese are saying, "That ain't no pollution, that's mist evaporating."

I call bullshit! I think it's Chinese smog, just like it looks like it is.

They got spies over there picking up info from the cell phones and computers.

They got Asian hookers trying to get our athletes in bed and get their information.

What are they gonna' say? "Sure, lady. I'll tell you everything about the Pentagon?"

Hell no. Maybe he'll say to her, "I'll give you some steroids if you trade me some octopus."

They eat bird nests in soup over there.

Shoulda had the olympics in America, where they came from.

I ain't watching!

Fuck 'em where they breed.

I got me some beer news, by the way. Schlitz is coming back.

Whoopee freakin' doo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


-- Wacky Macky


P.S. Where can I get me one of them Chinese hookers online?

Hey Asshole!

Hey asshole.

This here is Wacky Macky.

In my America, there's right and wrong.

If you ain't right, you're wrong.

Get off my land!

I'll tell you the truth and if you don't like it, you can go eat a fart, commie!

I'll get my beer and start telling it like it is.

Strap on your 3-way safety belt. It's gonna be a bumpy ride!