Saturday, November 22, 2008

Hey Asshole. I'm a Goddam Lady!

Well, that didn't go so well.

I shot my dick off and the umbrella is still sticking out of it.

Never seen my dick stuck to the wall like that.

Kinda funny looking at my dick hanging on the wall with an umbrella sticking out of it.

Probably shoulda maybe used a .22 instead of a shotgun 'cause most of the middle of me ain't where it was before I fucked this up.

I'm starting to think I'm a Wacky somovabitch, maybe the wackiest one there ever was.

And that there piece of me stuck on the wall, well, that's something I can be proud of. It shows I mattered.

Thing is, I might have kilt me off on this one.

Yup, thre's no dobatowtit.

Hey Asshole! There's a Cocktail Umbrella Sticking Out of my Dick Hole!

Well here it is.

I get the prize for about the stupidest motherfucker I can possibly be.

What I never told no one before was that a couple years back, I got to where I was sticking stuff in my dick hole. I don't know why I done it. It's just one of my holes and I feel I have the right to root around in there if I want to.

So I had the tip of a little paint brush in there, I had an apple seed, there was a ice pick, you know, shit like that. Couldn't work the shoe horn in there, but maybe I was asking for too much.

Anyway, the more shit I stuck in my dick hole, the easier it was to stick bigger shit in there. And weirder shit in there too, like the end of an uncooked spaghetti, which broke off by the way, in three pieces. Why the hell is a stick of spaghetti breaking into three? Happens every time. Some scientist oughta do a spearmint on that one. I had to pee that spaghetti deal out after it softened up a bit. And the chop stick was some sort of major feat for me. Take that, you Asian motherfuckers!

Well last night, if I ain't the stupidest motherfucker of all of 'em, I was drinkin' my Mojito and I always like to put a cocktail umbrella in my drink so I can pretend I'm fancy. And the drunker I got, the more I got to lookin' that umbrella. And I thought to myself, now Wacky, that would be a pretty weird thing to stick in yer dick hole if you could get it up in there. Who in the world has done that before? Nobody. Me! I'd be the only one and that would make me some kind of special.

It would be like I could finally have a life and done something nobody in the world could do. My claim to fame. Hey asshole! Let's see you do this! See there? Got a cocktail umbrella in my dickhole. Can you do that? That's right, asshole. No. Why? Cause I'm the only one.


But there come a little problem that I couldn't wrap my mind around until I started to realize that a cocktail umbrella is just like a real umbrella only smaller. So it went in pretty good but when I tried to yank it out of there, the umbrella prongs opened up and stuck into my inside hose. The more I yanked on it, the more wedged in there it got and now it's like I'm pissing some blood and a little meat is coming out of there too.

I think I really fucked up my weiner on this one.

I can't stop fucking myself up, even when I don't mean to.

You know what? Fuck it! I hate everybody anyway. I'm gonna' get my shotgun and blow my fucking brains out. Finally! Been waiting for this for a long time. Now I got my chance. That's right folks, I'm gonna' stand here nekid with the end of a cocktail umbrella sticking out of my dick hole and blow my fucking head off.

Goodbye, asshole! It's been a fun bunch of blogging what I did here, but the President's black, I can't get my fucking UFO together, my dog is a puddle of worms, my bed is covered with shit, girls don't like me for some reason, what's the point of it all anyway.

Hey, wait a minute. Something smart is coming into my brain. Gimmie a minute...

You know what? I bet I could shoot that umbrella out of me.

I don't have to go and kill myself over this one. There could be plenty of more stupid shit for me to do if I don't blow my head off. Here's what's what. I'm gonna shoot that umbrella out of my God damned dick hole. That'll fix her. It's the right tool for the right job.

See there? There's a lesson to be learned. Don't ever write yourself off when you have a gun. Worse comes to worse, you can always fire your weapon into your dick. Hell, it's my house and my gun.

Let's see how this one's gonna go...

-- Wacky Macky

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hey Asshole! I'm Gonna' Get Some Baby Penises For My Skin!

I just found me a way to get laid here.

I was rootin' around the Internet machine at the library, and I found this here news item:


11/20/2008 03:11 AM

ID: 74979
New Cure for Wrinkles Made from Babies' Penises

A new treatment for wrinkles is on the horizon. It's a new product called Vavelta, which is produced from microscopic cells cultured from the foreskin of babies penises.

Clinical trials that took place in London used foreskin material from the U.S. and the results were positive.

Although some may find being injected with penis somewhat distasteful, some could find it more appealing than being injected with alternative treatments, which in some cases are made from toxic substances.


I know I ain't the purtiest lump on the stump. But I recon if I inject my face with baby penises, all my wrinkles and ugliness will go away and then bitches all over creation will want to yank on my pecker. This is better than a health club and better than a UFO.

Baby penises!

I wish I would have thought of this in the first place. I would have saved me a whole lot of pain, blood, puke, my dog, and heartache.

-- Wacky Macky

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hey Asshole! I Shit the Bed!

Hey Asshole.

I know you're probably thinking to yerself, this Asshole Wacky Macky, all he talks about is sick shit that happened to him and it's so gross. Well asshole, that's what happens to Ol' Wacky Macky. I ain't pulling no punches. I said I tell the truth and when stuff happens, even if it's sick, I feel a duty to blog it on this here bloggin' place.

It's not like I was tryin' to shit all over the bed. Who'd do a thing like that on purpose? I'm just saying I couldn't hold my rose together and a mess of poop fell out of there and on the bed. There it is for you, in black and white. And a little green and a piece of yellow. I'm gonna' say corn. There's no doubt. There's always one of those little fuckers in your poop.

So I didn't know all that crap come outta' me and I was pitching and rolling around in it because I was having a dream that I was a pig rolling around in the mud. And in the dream, the farmer comes up and throws some feed into the mud and naturally, being a hungry pig, I go down there to eat it all up.

That's the only way I can think that I got so much poop on my face. I think during the night, I was probably trying to eat it thinking it was feed for a pig, when in reality it were my own poop and now maybe it is gross. But it's the truth. Sometimes the truth is gross. That don't mean I ain't gonna tell you I might have been eating poop in my sleep thinking it was pig feed from a dream I had.

Now I'm not ashamed of it. Probably everybody at one time or another has eaten some of their bed poop. It's natural. So long as I didn't do it on purpose, there's nothing wrong with it. And I can't say it tasted so bad, but I can't say it was something I'd go out of my way to order in a fancy restaurant.

And looking at the mess on the bed, and how some of it is wiggling, I'm gonna have to eat some of the leftover dog worm medicine. 'Cause these are some big fucking worms I'm looking at here. That's not gross. It's just the truth. Sometimes the truth is eatin' poop with worms in it.

Fuck me, looks like I'm barfin' on the poop now... Gimmie a minute here...

-- Wacky Macky

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Hey Asshole! Where's My Dingaling?

Hi there, asshole.

I been working out for a day now. I done three or four push-ups, a pull-up, and about four sit-ups. I don't see no change what ever. I'm thinking this working out is some kind of bullshit. Where's my dingaling? I still can't see it. And now I got dog juice on my feet.

I tell you, this thing just ain't working out for me.

I was gonna' charge people to use my gym, but when I look at it and I see what it's done for me, nobody's gonna' pay to work out in here. I'm pretty clear on that one.

And if I can't get no money for people coming to my gym, how am I gonna' buy them plans for the UFO?

I'm starting to come to some sense. Here's the sense: Seems like everything I do is fucked up. That's what I found out today. I'd try something new, but if everything I do is fucked up, well you know how the new thing's gonna' turn out.

I don't see how to win it. Who's gonna' pay me and what for? Every day it's just more shit I gotta' do. I think I got a pee stone.

I need to do some thinking and think this through. I gotta' think of something really smart. Let me see if I can do that. Probably fuck it up somehow. My brain don't go. Something's got under my toe nail now. Gotta' scrape that outta' there. What the fuck is that? Is it moving?

Gonna' play some Bee Gees. Them fellers always cheer me up.

-- Wacky Macky

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Hey Asshole! I Made Me a Health Club!

Hey Asshole! I'm a fat fucking blob.

No wonder no whores will fuck me. Bitches!

If I was a whore, not even for money would I fuck my own damn self.

Not as fat a blob as I am, and asshole, I'm a fat fucking blob.

So I gone and made myself a health club right here in the trailer.

And that's smart, because since I made it and it's mine, I don't have to pay no fee to use it. Only down side is there's no sweaty ladies running on treadmills with their boobs flopping up and down. I sure do like it when their boobs do that.

On the other hand, I can use the money I'm saving to get me a UFO. That's the idea here. I figure in about a year or so, I should have enough money saved up for the construction plans. You can get them plans offn the Internet. I use the Internet machine at the library when I don't smell too bad. Don't know where to get an anti-gravity wave amplifier though, but I'll figure that one out when I get to it.

So first thing I made was a push-up machine. I use the floor for that. You just get down there and do push-ups on the floor, and there's that machine done. I can get two good ones and one bad one so far. My chest is gonna' be a steel barrier. You'll see, asshole.

Then for pull-ups (that's the opposite of a push up), I hammered a bar up in the door frame. I got one good pull-up and the fucking thing broke. I can't tell you enough how much I hate termites wrecking my health club.

I may try the other door frame over there after the pain in my arms gets to quittin. And Jesus on two sticks, I can't tell you enough how much it hurts to do exersizes like push-ups and pull-ups when yore hand is broke. I'm gonna' give the pain I got in my hand right now about a nine or ten. One thing for sure, you're not supposed to bleed on a push-up, and that's a lot of what I'm seeing right here.

Then I got the sit-ups. I bent the back of a chair so it leans further back than it's supposed to. Now what I do is I get on there and crunch my stomach and that's my sit-up. I can get about four sit-ups. That's not the opposite of a push-up, but it's a little to the side of it.

Opposide. That's a funny word. I just made that word up. I'm gonna' use it. That's a smart word I made. Opposide.

Finally, I got my treadmill. What I do is I start walking in the puddle of shit that used to be my dog. My feet slip and slid in that goo to where I'm walking but I'm not going anywhere. That's a good dog! I'm glad I didn't throw it out.

Shouldn't be too long now before I'm built up good and strong. Then I can get me some whores that'll have sex with me. And when I get them whores, I'm gonna' get their boobies to flop around the way I like it. Then it'll be a real health club and I can get my UFO and get the fuck out of here.

That's the plan so far.

-- Wacky Macky

Monday, November 10, 2008

Hey Asshole! I'm Pissed, Asshole!

Hi there, asshole.

Boy am I pissed the fart off!

I woke up angry, and I'm gonna' do something about it. Haven't decided what, yet. Went to the fridge to get an egg. There's no god damned eggs in there. That made me angry and I punched the fridge and broke my god damn hand, right in the middle of it. There's a bone sticking out. Fucking Obama!

I got this smelly dog rotting in my trailer, and I can't get it out of here. It's too gooey to pick up in one piece. I keep looking at it and wondering what to do, but there's nothing comes to mind. Maybe it will melt into the floor soon through the floor boards. There's worms and ants crawling around in my dog. Maybe they'll take care of it. Somavabitchin Obama!

Found a spot on my penis that I don't know what it is. I picked at it, and now it's bleeding. Broke my hand, got a spot on my penis, and my dog's rotting. Obama!

I gotta do something or my anger may just get to where it makes everything all screwed up, and that's when trouble starts. I gotta go shoot something, get an egg, find a band-aid for my penis, and immobolize my hand so it don't heal backwards. Fucking Obama!

I gotta get a UFO. There's no doubt about it. Think of all the stuff I could do on a UFO. That may be the only way out of here. Hey, I made myself laugh. I threw the ball at the dog and it broke through and now it's in my dog's stomach.

That's the funniest thing you could ever see, if your dog was like my dog.

-- Wacky Macky