Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Hey Asshole! I Wrecked my Mouth!

Hey Asshole! Remember I was tellin' you about the tooth growing out of the center of my mouth roof? Well I got good and drunk on Turkey so I wouldn't get infected and to try and kill all the pain I was gonna' make for myself.

Then I got some pointy pliers to yank out that tooth that wasn't supposed to grow there. Turns out it weren't no tooth. Doctor told me it was a freak thing where my mouth roof (he calls it a hard palate) had got to growin' through my skin there and I ended up pullin' out some of the top of my mouth and a little bit of the insides there. Doc said I ripped out most of my (inferior nasal concha).

I said, "Doc, if it's inferior, can't you put in a new one?"

So I guess that's what they're gonna' try and do. Anyhow, I got my mouth sowed up and glued. When I talk, blood comes out and I see myself in the mirror and it looks like this horror movie I seen once, and I laugh and more blood comes out, and I can't stop laughin' and bleedin.

So that's where it's at, asshole. Check with your Doc before you go yanking on stuff you don't know what it is. That's the learnin' I got from this deal.

-- Wacky Macky

Monday, September 29, 2008

Hey Asshole! Something's Going On with my Mouth!

Hey Asshole!

I was rooting around in my mouth this morning and there's a tooth growing from the center of my mouth roof.

Right in the middle there. What the fuck is that?

I don't think a tooth is supposed to go there.

Now I'm wonderin' if I need to pull it outta' there with the pliers, or will it make it easier to chew and so I keep it? This here problem is gonna' have me working on it all day.

I'll let you know if I pull it out or not, asshole.

-- Wacky Macky

P.S. I got my laundry done and the dog pissed on it. Now I gotta' do it all over again. I shot that dog.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Hey Asshole! It's Wacky Macky's Fine Dining Recipes

Hey Asshole.

Just got done watching the debate between Barrack Hussein and my man, McCain. McCain won it good and hard. Hussein looked like a racoon in the headlights, which brings me to fine dining.

See, I'm country. I'm all about a good dinner. And I know how to make it, too, because I learned you gotta' cook stuff to kill bacteria or you'll get the stinging runs for a week or so. That's how you spoil yer' pants.

So here's you some recipies right outta Wacky Macky's kitchen you can try at home.


Get a possum off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it's smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good!


Get a Racoon off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it's smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in Publix Salsa sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good!


Get a skunk off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it's smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in Publix Salsa sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good! Save the stink sack for the end. That there's what they call a delicacy.


Get a squirrel off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it's smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in Publix Salsa sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Not much meat on 'em, but who give's a rat's ass.


Get a rat off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it's smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in Publix Salsa sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Eat the ass last. Makes for a funny time at the table. "Look, dumbass, I ate rat ass!" Fucking helarious. Not much meat on 'em, but who gives a shit.


You can cook yer' own poop in a pinch. If a nuklar bomb went off and you were lucky enough to survive and all the animals are dead but fer you, there's not much else to eat except your own poop. You could eat your arms, but then how are you gonna' get your poop? But you can't just eat it outta' your own asshole. How you gonna' bend down there to get it? If you could do that, why wouldn't you? Nope. You gotta' scoop it outta there and put it in a hot pan with some lard. A little salt and pepper, and believe me, it'll fill you up good. Always has, always will. Better get ready to use this here poop recipe, because if Obama Hussien gets in there, Nuklar war! And then you gotta' eat yer' poop.

I may vote the Nader ticket.

-- Wacky Macky

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Hey Asshole! I Just Found Out Clay Aiken's a Fag!

Good holy Jesus, Mary and child!

Here I was runnin' my mouth about how I think queers need to have an island, and my favorite singer comes out in People Magazine holding his baby and tellin' America he's a poop pusher!

Same God Damned thing happened to my favorite singer, Liberace, and then again with my favorite singer, Elton John.

And it makes me wonder the logical scientific question. It it me liking these guys that's doing it to them? Am I liking them too much?

Sheep shit on a stick! If I'm a latent homo I'm going to have to rethink this fag deal.

I still ain't putting no man's pecker in my mouth. I don't care how trendy it gets.

No Clay! How'd you make that baby? I bet it was unnatural. Next they'll be telling me Michael Jackson's a queer too. Please, God! Don't make Michael Jackson a queer!

-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole! I Got Some Fag Rules!

Hey Asshole.

We got to get a few things straight, and by straight, I mean not fag.

There's right and there's wrong. And if your not right, you're wrong. That there is some Wacky Macky wisdom, and it don't belong in a man's butt. Nothing should go in there unless it's handled by a doctor who ain't queer, or your wife.

So I got some fag rules to live by, just so the homos don't ever have to wonder why they're God's mistakes.

1. I can get with two woman, and there ain't nothing wrong with that. But two men on one woman, there's libel to be something touching that don't belong together. Two snakes in the grass never did nothing but fight it out. That's number one.

2. Old men looking at teen boys. That's wrong, and it's wrong all together. You go right to hell with that kind of lookin'. Now if'n a man's straight, and you know old Wacky Macky only sleeps with people what got a cooter and boobs, he got every right to look at a young purty girl of the ages of 12 and up, long as he don't touch one 'till they're legal, and in my trailer, that's when they got hair on the tangerine. Nothing wrong with that. That's healthy nature right there.

3. If a man teacher or minister is trying to get with a teen boy in class or church, he needs to be shot before he's electrocuted, gassed, and beat up. Now if it's a teen boy who's being fondled by a woman teacher or preacher, there's nothing wrong there at all. That's how learning gets done. Wish I was half them boys getting picked up by them hot blond sugar mamas. That's how I learnt and God put them women down hear to teach us men right so we have healthy babies. Everyone knows that.

4. Nothing in the poop shoot that's between men. Covered that in number one.

5. Don't be looking at my pecker in the rest room unless you're a lady teacher or preacher. If you don't have two melons and a snatch patch, keep your eyes on yorn and yorn alone. I can't pee when a man's looking at my billy-bob. And when I can't pee, I get riled.

6. I ain't saying I'm against queers, I'm just saying they shouldn't ever been born and if they was born, they need to be living on their own island. They could call it Buttpole Island or Hot Dog Island, or whatever the fucks goin' on with them weird fags. That's number six.

God Damn! I just shit my pants again. What the fuck am I eating here?

-- Wacky Macky

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Hey Asshole! You Can Drink Yer Pee.

Hey Asshole.

I'm talking about water here. I know I said some mean things about science, but that's just for the dopes what don't understand it. I'm reading about water, how we're using it up and soon there won't be any water in California.

Hey Asshole! That's where the good water in bottles comes from. It ain't got no Government residue in it and they put it in a little plastic container so you can keep it around the house long enough to survive a nukalar war, and you know it's coming, asshole.

But you gotta' use yer head here and think about it scientifically, like I have. Okay, I'll lay it out for you. The world's got a protective shield around it called the zone-O, and it's in a layer. That keeps all the stuff here on Earth from floating out there and getting into the vacuum of space where it's gonna' die out there.

Now tell me this: how's the water gonna' get out of that zone-O? Ain't no fuckin' way. So if the water can't go nowhere, how we gonna' run out of it? See, that's just common sense. Then they say we're pollutin' it. Well, you get a filter for that and that'll take out all the pollution and the Government residue. There you are. Plenty for everyone.

Yeah, I read the dang article and it was saying about how some people don't have access to no good water. Mostly children and old ladies. Well I got some advice for those assholes. Hey ASSHOLE! You gotta' get outta' there. There ain't no good water. Get going and move where the good water is. What are you, some kind of dumb? It's just science and common sense.

Summing up here, basic bottom line is this. Water can't escape the zone-O and go in space, so we ain't running out of no water any time soon. Part two, if your water's polluted, you gotta' filter that shit. If you ain't got no filter, move to California.

What kind of an asshole doesn't know that?

All this talk is making me need to pee. You can drink that too if there ain't no water. It's good for you, asshole. That's how you survive in the dessert.

-- Wacky Macky

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Hey Asshole! I'm Healthy!

Hey Asshole!

I was sitting her thinking about how I never get sick, unless I'm puking beer. No colds, no flu, no warts and fungus. And then I come across this article here that tells the truth. And I knew it all along 'cause I've been doing it every day since I can remember. And what I'm talking about is picking the boogers out of my nose and eating 'em.

So I'm reading how this doctor says I'm right! I was right all along. Didn't need no doctor to tell me so. Hey Asshole! You hear me? I put my finger up in there, root around for a ripe one, pull that sucker out and eat.

No colds, no flu, no warts and fungus.

Never go to the doctor or the hospital, 'cause that's where the sick people go.

I ain't sick! I'm eating boogers!

-- Wacky Macky


Hey Asshole! Here's what I read on my machine. You'd be wise to eat yorn too!


Doctor Backs Picking Your Nose And Eating It

Picking your nose and eating it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor.

Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthy, happier and probably better in tune with their bodies.

He says society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking and encourage children to take it up.

Dr Bischinger said: "With the finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner.

"And eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system.

"Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine.

"Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free. "

He pointed out that children happily pick their noses, yet by the time they have become adults they have stopped under pressure from a society that has branded it disgusting and anti social.
He said: "I would recommend a new approach where children are encouraged to pick their nose. It is a completely natural response and medically a good idea as well."

And he pointed out that if anyone was really worried about what their neighbour was thinking, they could still enjoy picking their nose in private if they still wanted to get the benefits it offered.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Hey Asshole, Get The Hell Outta' There - Part II

Hey Assholes!

You gotta' get the hell out of Texas. God sent another hurlycane down to get George Bush's home town. Bush sure don't deserve this kind of treatment. I mean, he didn't get no blow jobs in office, he didn't take away my gun, he's a man of God... what the fuck's goin' on here? Best President the USA ever had and look what's happening now. Least they named it Ike, but I don't know no women named Ike. I thought they named storms after women. I'd name a storm Vagelina. I'd name my first kid Vagelina too. That's a pretty name.

I think God was aiming at New Orleans again, where all the freaks have their homo leather parade... and sumabitchen global warming from Al Gore's mouth pushed it to the wrong place. Now look whatcha did, you Nobel winning Peace Prize monkey suit socialist! Shut yer damn yap. There's no room in this country for your opinion of science. Everybody knows science is just made up stuff that you can make math out of. But who's got time for math? What's if for? If I want to know how old a tree is, I'll just chop it down and count the rings. That's how you be an environmentalist!

So Assholes, you better get the fuck outta' there and take your guns and horses with you. This one's got ugly written all over it. Specially you people in trailers. They go right up in the tornados. I seen it happen on Wizard of Oz, and house killed a woman. It's government magnets they put in there to monitor your brain. They're pulling in the tornados and wrecking our trailers, just like in the Wizard of Oz.

You know what happens then. Midgets. Every where you look. I don't want that to happen to Texas! It'll ruin how everything's big in Texas, and then what? Midgets all over the place.

-- Wacky Macky

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Hey Asshole, I've Been Drinking Steel Reserve...

Hey Asshole,

I been drinking about all day so I'm guessing I may only make sense to myself right now over here. But I got to put down what I'm thinkin' when I get to drinkin'.

And here's what I'm thinkin'. I watch a lot of Star Trek. And I'm thinkin' Sarah Palin looks just like Captain Janaway with her hair all up in a bun like that. And it ain't a stretch to picture Mr. Tuvok, the Vulcan, looking like Obama.

You know what? I say fuck it. Let's get 'em together and have 'em run the space ship. She could say, "Fire, Mr. Tuvok," and he could press the red button and nuke all the sombitches that are fucking with the USA! Weeeeehoooo the fuck WEEE! That's the way. Why not. They had a Chinese Jap on the first Trek with that gay Sulu what the fuck's his name anyway. Now he's working for Howard Stern. Liberal commie prick jew.

So then McCain, 'cause he's older than the dirt in my drawers, he could be like Captain Kirk from the first bunch of Star Treks, and he could kick that fag Sulu outta there. Gotta' throw out Uhura too 'cause she's too dark to work the radio. Kick her off, and then we got something there.

I tell ya', Steel Reserve makes me want to put us all together for a common cause and kill them people that ain't like us with a nuklar bomb from our space ship with Commander McCain, Captain Palin, and Janitor Obama, who'll have to come in after we get done and clean up our mess.

-- Wacky Macky

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Hey Asshole, I Did a Funny Thing!

Hey asshole. I smoked too much of my back medicine and drank too much of my beer and ate too many of my pills. And I was sittin' on the couch watchin' a cartoon and I thought, why not run around outside naked.

So I ran out there and down the road to where that old bitch Agnes lives, and I waved my pecker at her. It was a funny thing I did there. Made her scream and throw her scissors at me. Stupid whore.

Then she calls the police. They been out three times this week cause I can't stop cause it's so damn funny. Me shaking my pecker at Agnes. I may run out there again in a minute or two before the cops get here.

-- Wacky Macky

Monday, September 8, 2008

Hey Asshole: The Best of Wacky Macky Quotes

"If you ain't right, you're wrong."
-- Wacky Macky

"Everyone knows Jesus was white and has pretty blond hair."
-- Wacky Macky

"Shoulda had the olympics in America, where they came from."
-- Wacky Macky

"I just don't want to go in the men's room and have to see a woman pissing in the urinal with her dick."
-- Wacky Macky

"I'm gonna' sue you bitches, just as soon as I get the power back on in the trailer."
-- Wacky Macky

"Hey, Asshole! If you're a Spic, how are you going to make fun of a Chinese Jap like that? You people can't even speka-de-English."
-- Wacky Macky

"Don't fuck with me. I'll get your brain and fix it so it works my way."
-- Wacky Macky

"I ain't picking on God, I'm just saying he done some weird shit."
-- Wacky Macky

"Where's my beer. Goddamn, I'm a stupid motherfucker sometimes."
-- Wacky Macky

"I hate you, asshole. You are such an asshole."
-- Wacky Macky

"President Bush was the best President this country ever had."
-- Wacky Macky

"Ronald Reagan knew what he was doing when he made AIDS."
-- Wacky Macky

"There's a lot of people here on earth. Could be millions of 'em."
-- Wacky Macky

"Some of you know I take a dump in a cat box instead of a toilet so Government water won't splash in my colon and give me cancer."
-- Wacky Macky

... and you can quote me on all of these, asshole.

-- Wacky Macky

Hey Asshole, I Got a Thing I'm Dealing With Here...

Some of you know I take a dump in a cat box instead of a toilet so Government water won't splash in my colon and give me cancer. And I'm using Publix clumping litter in there because it's only $2.29 a box and it's good for about a month.

When you think about how much you gotta' spend to keep a toilet running; $2 for the blue things, $2 cleaning scrub pads, .39 cents for rubber gloves so you don't get old poop on yer hands, $2 for the Government water if you flush after pissin', $2 for toilet paper (which I don't need with the litter 'cause I just reach down and grab some litter and rub it around on my rose... that takes most of it off), what you come out to is $8.39 vs. $2.29 for a box of litter.

If my math is right, I'm saving $6.61 which is exactly the price, including tax (and fuck the IRS if I may say so), for a pack of generic smokes and a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. It's just common sense there, asshole.

Kitty litter.

-- Wacky Macky

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Hey Asshole, Use Yer Common Sense!

There's a lot of people here on earth. Could be millions of 'em. But I'm tellin' you assholes, you gotta' use yer common sense. I've seen some ignorant shit, and we're gonna git it straight.

#1. Men going with men not only makes no sense, it's illegal 'cause God said so. It's right there in Exodus. Don't eat no shellfish bottom dwelling critters and don't put your pecker in a man's ass. I mean, Good God! That's where you go the bathroom from. I'm sticking to good old American pussy!

#2. Stop electing assholes. We got to get John McCain and that hot mama, Sand-dog Palin in that white house quick! If Obama gets ahold of it, they'll be playing rap music at all hours of the night, and while that's happening, the Chinese Japs will come down here with them Arabian Muslim Towel people and bomb the Vietnam Memorial. You know what's gonna' happen if that happens? All out nukalar bombs every which-a-way. You think you seen global warming? Wait 'till the Chinese Japs and Iran and Osama start lobbing nukalar bombs with the good ol' USA. We're talking... sea will be ready to go fish soup, man! Are you out of yer' fucking mind, asshole?

#3. We gotta' find the real Big Foot and eat him. Eat them all. There's no doubt about that. If they start making Big Foots out there in the woods, enough to where they come into our territory and try to get our milk, it'll be too late. Nobody fucks with my milk. Those boys never should have faked they found a Big Foot. It's gonna' make it harder to know the real one when he gets in there and takes your milk. Those guys didn't have no common sense.

#4. It's time somebody finally came out and said it. If I have to be the only man in America to say it, so be it. Don't scare me none. So here it is, right out of my mouth: Ronald Reagan knew what he was doing when he made AIDS.

#5. Check your ass every morning. If it feels sore and it's got it's mouth open up a bit... aliens. They was in there for sure. They've been doing it for a hundred years. They're good at it. I don't know what they need out of there, but by now, they sure got a lot of it.

#6. If you're white and you're wearing your pants so your ass shows and you're walking down the street trying to rap while you make pretend gang signs in the air, and you cross my trailer doing that silly shit, I'm gonna' have to shoot. It's okay if your black, that's what you folks do. But white kids got no business doing that. You don't got the right, and you don't got no rhythm. If yer black, go on with yer bad self. Don't bother me none, just keep it off my lawn.

#7. I'm talking to you asshole birds now that are peckin' up my medicine patch out in the yard. Get your fucking beak out of my medicine patch. That there is for me. You hear me? I can't stand birds when they get in my area and do bird shit.

#8. Hey Asshole. Use your common sense. President Bush was the best President this country ever had. You got no idea all the crazy shit goes on in the world. He knows better than you do, believe me. I know, 'cause one thing you can never know about me is I was ex-CIA. That's something nobody'll tell you. Not even me. That's how top secret it is.

#9. I hate you, asshole. You are such an asshole. If you read the last 8 things I told you, maybe you'd start using yer common sense and you wouldn't be an asshole. But nobody listens to people who know their shit. And that's what I'm tellin' you: ex-CIA. I'll be in yer' closet with a cancer syringe. You'll never know it was me. God-damn! Spilt my beer into the keyboardddf..gaj;a;gjagrejk jraigejg 4jgeio4g;jrgreaklg;erkgaajgrei;lgjega;igaleg;aekgega;lkjealgkejrgl;eajgaegrel;aeigrejae;lgerj gaelirgje rglrejg relijg rg jafufckafuejie;fwejflijthis aiwejl;tjei/ ti shit ijwetalligj efufckjia;eltjawejgiewa;lgjewg