Saturday, November 22, 2008

Hey Asshole! There's a Cocktail Umbrella Sticking Out of my Dick Hole!

Well here it is.

I get the prize for about the stupidest motherfucker I can possibly be.

What I never told no one before was that a couple years back, I got to where I was sticking stuff in my dick hole. I don't know why I done it. It's just one of my holes and I feel I have the right to root around in there if I want to.

So I had the tip of a little paint brush in there, I had an apple seed, there was a ice pick, you know, shit like that. Couldn't work the shoe horn in there, but maybe I was asking for too much.

Anyway, the more shit I stuck in my dick hole, the easier it was to stick bigger shit in there. And weirder shit in there too, like the end of an uncooked spaghetti, which broke off by the way, in three pieces. Why the hell is a stick of spaghetti breaking into three? Happens every time. Some scientist oughta do a spearmint on that one. I had to pee that spaghetti deal out after it softened up a bit. And the chop stick was some sort of major feat for me. Take that, you Asian motherfuckers!

Well last night, if I ain't the stupidest motherfucker of all of 'em, I was drinkin' my Mojito and I always like to put a cocktail umbrella in my drink so I can pretend I'm fancy. And the drunker I got, the more I got to lookin' that umbrella. And I thought to myself, now Wacky, that would be a pretty weird thing to stick in yer dick hole if you could get it up in there. Who in the world has done that before? Nobody. Me! I'd be the only one and that would make me some kind of special.

It would be like I could finally have a life and done something nobody in the world could do. My claim to fame. Hey asshole! Let's see you do this! See there? Got a cocktail umbrella in my dickhole. Can you do that? That's right, asshole. No. Why? Cause I'm the only one.


But there come a little problem that I couldn't wrap my mind around until I started to realize that a cocktail umbrella is just like a real umbrella only smaller. So it went in pretty good but when I tried to yank it out of there, the umbrella prongs opened up and stuck into my inside hose. The more I yanked on it, the more wedged in there it got and now it's like I'm pissing some blood and a little meat is coming out of there too.

I think I really fucked up my weiner on this one.

I can't stop fucking myself up, even when I don't mean to.

You know what? Fuck it! I hate everybody anyway. I'm gonna' get my shotgun and blow my fucking brains out. Finally! Been waiting for this for a long time. Now I got my chance. That's right folks, I'm gonna' stand here nekid with the end of a cocktail umbrella sticking out of my dick hole and blow my fucking head off.

Goodbye, asshole! It's been a fun bunch of blogging what I did here, but the President's black, I can't get my fucking UFO together, my dog is a puddle of worms, my bed is covered with shit, girls don't like me for some reason, what's the point of it all anyway.

Hey, wait a minute. Something smart is coming into my brain. Gimmie a minute...

You know what? I bet I could shoot that umbrella out of me.

I don't have to go and kill myself over this one. There could be plenty of more stupid shit for me to do if I don't blow my head off. Here's what's what. I'm gonna shoot that umbrella out of my God damned dick hole. That'll fix her. It's the right tool for the right job.

See there? There's a lesson to be learned. Don't ever write yourself off when you have a gun. Worse comes to worse, you can always fire your weapon into your dick. Hell, it's my house and my gun.

Let's see how this one's gonna go...

-- Wacky Macky

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